"Wife. Four letters. One syllable. Simple, or so it seems. Yet this common word has become one of the most complex signifiers in the English language, weighted by past definitions, blurred by personal biases," writes Anne Kingston in her new book The Meaning of Wife.
arriage as a social institution has pervaded every woman's consciousness from time to time. We have revered it, rejected it, revisited it but hardly ever ignored it. Wrapped in a magical timelessness and endless fascination, marriage has assumed the aura of a phenomenon and every fairy tale marriage, a legend.
Over the years, marriage has been associated with some crippling stereotypes such as 'financial security,' 'social status,' 'settled life' (I have never quite understood what is so unsettling about the life of an unmarried woman). While each one of these probably add to the over all definition of marriage, they all fail to capture the true essence of the union.
Through this piece, I have attempted to explore what marriage means to three unique women. I have chosen Annie Temple, Deborah Skaey and Teresa Franciosi to share their insights based on their individual personalities and experiences.
"If you asked me this a year or two ago, I would have said marriage means a woman sacrificing and a man taking advantage of her," says Annie "I would have said marriage means giving up yourself for a man who will try to control you and be eternally selfish about his own needs. I also thought it is something that will never last and no man is capable of being selfless enough to work at it. I was very bitter towards men."
Don't get fooled by the gloomy tone so far of Annie's voice. Annie is anything but gloomy. She is a fabulously cheerful person, which is an achievement given her tough past and mounting responsibilities. Some years back, Annie was a stripper and dancer. She was working at The Leather Ranch in Vancouver making $200 every two weeks. It was exceedingly difficult to live on a measly amount as that. So, she stripped for one night on her day off and made more money than she did in two weeks at her regular job. She quit her job as a leather jacket salesperson, which she describes as "a beautiful relief." Annie was also a single mom for two years to her little girl, Sophia, and the experience, she says, was overwhelming at times, such was the enormity of the responsibility- paying rent, buying groceries, finding sitters among other things.
Her red curls gently caressing her flawless skin, her girlish giggles suggesting mischief and her charismatic eyes oozing confidence, Annie is a composite picture of a modern woman. Although the one-time dancer tells me she is camera shy, Annie gives me the impression that she is ready to take on the world. Annie is not a very tall person but, she is tall in experience, which is evident in her soulful responses sometimes laced with melancholy.
Annie is currently living with her boyfriend who she is madly in love with. She tells me her attitude towards marriage and men has softened somewhat. "My boyfriend now is as selfish as any man, I guess. But not to the extent that I spend most of my time angry and discontented with him," comments Annie in a way that signals a willingness to deconstruct old beliefs in the quest for newer, more hopeful ones. She continues in the same vein, "His parents are still together, which is an anomaly in my mind. And they haven't had it easy by any means. But, it still gives me hope that I might be able to achieve a life-long commitment myself. The feeling of claustrophobia I've felt about the idea of marriage still creeps up when I think about it. But, my sense of romance is slowly diminishing it. I'm a woman at heart after all."
Annie's positive outlook is inspirational. However, she lets me in on a major obstacle that could play the villain between her well-etched dreams and ruinous reality. She has trouble having faith in men and she bases her bitterness on experience. According to her, women have been hurt so many times by men who are socialized in almost every culture to be selfish, that we are too distrustful to believe that men are capable of commitment. Unfortunately, she says, it is not the fault of men but our society. We raise them to be innately self-centered rather than encourage them to find and appreciate the sacrifices women willingly make for their children and lovers.
Annie has some words of advice for most women, who no matter their educational and professional qualifications, are struck by the fairy tale fantasy of a prince charming with whom they will live happily ever after. "The fairy tale is a sham," says Annie with a sense of authority. "And, if a woman wants to succeed she should turn only to herself for direction and support. I am firm in my belief that I must be able to be self-sufficient in the event that I am on my own again in the future. I don't ever want to be that woman who has not worked or contributed financially for years, then find myself skill-less and destitute when a relationship ends."
But, having said that, there is little doubt that the fairy tale beckons Annie just as much as it beckons most of us. Almost as if she herself aspires to it, she continues, "If a man does live up to the ideals we, as women, sought in our youth, then we can celebrate the novelty of it, but not put ourselves in a vulnerable position at the cost of losing our identities and dignity."
As our conversation becomes more interesting, I am keen to find out how Annie would describe herself. She gives me three key words- writer, mother, dancer. By now, I am so completely enamoured by Annie's colourful personality that it becomes absolutely irresistible for me to find out the kind of wife Annie would make. "Well, I can't cook and I get irritated cleaning the house, but, I'm clean nonetheless and I love sex. You know that saying, 'a girl you could take home to your parents but she's a whore in the bedroom.' That's me. I'm pretty demanding. I want to be a team, not a couple," remarks Annie in her characteristically brazen but kind-hearted way.
Besides being a strong individual who respects and loves herself, Annie is also a committed mother. She is keen on creating a happy two-parent family for her daughter, something Annie herself never had in her growing up years. While Annie does not want to waste her time on a man who would eventually be out of her life, she also craves for a lasting relationship. "I do want to have one companion for the rest of my life. I am not interested in being (sexually) with more than one man. I easily have the capacity to commit to one man for a lifetime. And, I don't want my daughter to see one man after another come and go in my life. So, essentially I do prescribe to a lifelong commitment, but at the same time, marriage scares the hell out of me. It's an awkward balance," she ends with one of her full-throttle laughs. Annie has an amazing ability to talk about some of the most serious topics in a light-hearted way.
I get the impression that Annie's past experiences, her lifestyle choices and her outlook on life, marriage and men make her unconventional. Looking back at her stripper days, I suggest that maybe she is a radical feminist who believes that 'women own their own bodies' and as such, the concept of marriage may not work for her. After all, marriage does come with its inherent compromises. Annie replies candidly, "I think that yes, I am unconventional in my outlook, but it doesn't mean marriage won't work for me. If the man I marry works as hard at the relationship as I expect him to, and as I do, then marriage will work."
Clearly, Annie is not willing to give up on her dream even if it seems elusive and unreal at the moment. And, this can be explained by one of the most applaudable facets of Annie's personality- her capturing comfort in being herself. Annie is completely devoid of pretences. She doesn't want to be anybody but Annie and she has accepted Annie with her weaknesses and is willing to accept the man she loves with his. Annie is bold even outrageous but she speaks from her heart. Her intensity, sense of responsibility and at times accountability are all inescapable.
Annie undoubtedly has the body of a dancer and soul of a person who is as much at ease counting her mistakes as she is commending her triumphs.
Our second personality is Deborah Skaey who is just as interesting as Annie. Deborah shares some similarities with Annie and is yet different. Deborah is unconventional and may be even rebellious. But she draws a fine line between being assertive as opposed to aggressive. The effect is one of subtlety and sophistication, which speaks volumes of Deborah's character and personality. Her gentle questioning and defiance are just as appealing as Annie's boisterous charm and brutal honesty.
Deborah has been in a common law relationship for the past two years with the man she met during her summer holidays between high school and university. They lost touch for 25 years and two years ago, on Deborah's birthday, David called. They met and it felt like 25 years hadn't passed.
For Deborah, a common law relationship may not have the legal capacity but there is a real strength of commitment. I ask Deborah to define marriage. The writer in her takes over and she gives me a beautiful meaning. She says eloquently, "Marriage is a statement both spiritually and legally that you are committed to this individual to be with, to cherish and love and to support at all times."
You might think that Deborah is the kind of person who always wanted marriage. In fact, she didn't. She started out as a twelve-year-old marching down the streets of Toronto with women who were championing 'freedom for women.' By seventeen she didn't want anything to do with marriage. She had embraced the feminist world, which propagated the idea that marriage was bad. Why then would Deborah want marriage at this point in her life? What brought about the shift from being anti-marriage to actually thinking that marriage should be an opportunity for everyone? Deborah explains the process that took her from one end of the spectrum to another. "When I was president of the Canadian Public Relations Society in 1996, I looked around the board table and there were 99 percent women, out of which, 99 percent were over 40 and 90 per cent never married." That was enough to shift her attention. She felt she was missing out and that she too longed for a committed relationship. Shortly thereafter, she met a man and eventually married him. Her marriage lasted for 19 days. He hit her. She quickly realized it was a mistake. But, for Deborah, the idea of being forty and not married and then married and divorced so quickly was a concern.
With David, who she fondly describes as her first true love, a visibly fulfilled Deborah has found her anchor. "It's reassuring, comforting and supportive and I think it provides me that sense of finally being safe." Deborah tells me that safety is indeed the number one feeling she has when she is with David. She feels secure in the belief that things will be fine as long as they are together, something she never felt with her husband.
Being an avid reader and a consumer of news, Deborah has done some of her own research into the evolving concept of marriage. Although the general perception today is that women are rejecting marriage, Deborah suggests that the popularity of marriage may well be soaring again. There was her sisters' generation, which said women should get married before the age of 25 (Deborah has three elder sisters who are about 20 years older than her). Then came Deborah's generation that was anti-marriage and now, we might be witnessing another shift in favour of marriage. Deborah also travelled to China to attend a workshop called 'Should Women Get Married?' She had heard about The United Nations International Conference for Women and, being interested in the subject, she went to China looking for answers. I ask her if she came back with some revelations. "The result we came back with was that how a woman feels about her independence determines her need for marriage." Deborah impresses me with her knowledge and grasp over the subject.
Our conversation veers back to her relationship with David. I ask Deborah if the traditional woman in her longed for her prince charming and that perfect marriage. "I don't think it's the prince charming so much. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I think I'd like to have a pleasure of knowing that you are doing something with someone you love." More than a perfect marriage, Deborah desires a perfect relationship, which is also testimony of her maturity. "And frankly," she continues, "I had the beautiful party, I had the gorgeous dress. I walked down the isle with my father before he died. The party isn't the part I am thinking of; it's the spiritual piece." Deborah explains in her eloquent but precise style. It was fascinating for me to explore why someone would accept the trappings of an institution and yet not embrace the institution itself. I ask Deborah if she would want to have a legal marriage with David someday. She emphatically answers in the affirmative. Why would she want legality when her common law relationship with David is much stronger than most legal marriages? "Because with marriage there is a level of commitment that is stronger. And, I think for me that level of commitment is important. And, there is an opportunity in a common law relationship to make it easy to leave and not work things out." But then again, she tells me this is a construction in her head. There is almost a contradiction here that she feels a sense of security in a legal relationship even though knowing that 50 percent of them break up.
Her insecurity about a common law relationship probably stems from what she says is a philosophy around relationships. "A relationship is like a circle and when you start a relationship, you put all your ten toes in. If you stick one toe out of the circle you are not committed. To me, the strength is that I know David has all ten toes in, but my concern regarding marriage, whether it's true or not, is that it is very easy to take one toe out."
But, there is no denying that her relationship with David (marriage or no marriage) is studded with positives. They are both well-established in their careers and they are superbly compatible.
Deborah's love for David is evident and her desire to spend her life with him strong. I can't help but marvel at what two people can create with commitment and love as their building blocks. Deborah's marriage didn't work but her spiritual connection with David has the potential to endure and someday culminate into what our society calls marriage.
Our third personality Teresa Franciosi is much different from Deborah and Annie. She is more a structured person who appreciates the traditional bonds of marriage and believes those bonds lead to happiness. For her, there is just one definition of marriage- the legal union of a man with a woman.
Many years back, Teresa came to Canada from Italy, married the man she loved and created a family with him. She describes herself as a happy person with a good sense of humour. She is a great bargain shopper and a good cook.
Marriage to Teresa means everything - a home, a family. According to her, that's what life is all about. I ask her what her reasons were behind opting to get married. "The reason was to raise a family; to have someone for the future otherwise you would spend your life alone." For Teresa, marriage is the social foundation for every family - made up of a father, mother and their children. The fact that over the years, marriage has been valued for its procreation capabilities within legal and institutional bounds is also something Teresa easily relates to. "I wouldn't have my two children," says Teresa when asked about those priceless things she would have missed out on if not for her marriage.
There is no doubt that she has conventional views when it comes to marriage. So, how would a person like her view a relationship with a man without marriage? "No that's no good. It's not worth it. No commitment. No promise. Zero," says Teresa firmly and with conviction.
Teresa believes most western marriages don't work for one common reason. "Don't have enough patience. I believe in no divorce no matter what. A lot of problems are because of arguing about money. Too much debt. Too much pressure."
Teresa has some words of advice to offer on how young women can avoid stressful fights after marriage. "Make sure you find a man with a good job. If he's rich, all the better. But, of course you have to like him. Make sure he's not too much older than you; no more than five years difference in age. I know because my husband is ten years older than me and we're too different. He thinks differently."
Some may agree, some may disagree with what Teresa thinks makes for a strong, lasting marriage. But, nevertheless, it certainly has worked for Teresa or maybe she has made it work for her.
Teresa has strong views, maybe even extreme ones, but she bases them on the trodden path formula, not so much revolution. She is happy to do what her forefathers did. I get the impression that following established traditions is more her style than ushering in new ones. And keeping that in mind, I ask Teresa what she thinks of same-sex marriages. "I think that's very disgusting," says a critical Teresa. "This should not be allowed to happen. Marriage is to create a nice family. Same sex can't create children. I would never accept my child entering this type of relationship."
We have so far heard from three different women. Deborah and Annie revel in their individual identities yet merge them with the man they love. Teresa is family-oriented, so much so that her own persona appears blurred. She is not willing to transcend boundaries but feels secure because of them. For Teresa, marriage is important anytime because it gives you a commitment. However, she does believe marriage is hard work.
Going back to my discussion with Annie, I ask Annie if she desires marriage someday. Annie gives me one of her intrinsic yet innocent contradictions. "I love my boyfriend so much and my heart says I would love to marry him one day, to publicly announce my love for him and show him how committed I feel. However, I am not there yet. I don't trust him enough nor am I ready to get married. I might hyperventilate thinking about it. It sounds like a trap to me, haha. So I am on the fence I guess."
While Annie feels she still needs time to build the kind of relationship that is worthy of marriage, Deborah and David have probably built one already. Deborah and David strike me as a special couple. They have a unique relationship, one that is not founded on the sanctity of a legal marriage but one that has endured time and distance. Deborah may well get her legal promise down the road, but she already has the spiritual one.
For so long, we have viewed marriage as a woman's ultimate destination, one not out of choice but imposition- may it be circumstantial or societal. Subservience, subordination, subjugation is not what marriage should be for any woman. It should be liberated commitment or no commitment at all. It should mean equality in sharing, caring and giving. It should be a symbol of eternal love, not of society's construction of it.
And, this is probably what Ann Kingston has tried to achieve through The Meaning of Wife - that is trace the changing roles of wives. Although, she does not attempt to define the word wife because of its fluid nature, she does open her book with an insightful comment. "The meaning of wife hinges on the meaning of husband, just as the meaning of woman hinges on the meaning of man."
Visit the following links to read two of the interviews from this article:
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