Note: Also read Mahafrine's article, What Marriage Means, which reflects on this interview:
nnie Temple, recently, graduated from Kwantlen University College's public relations diploma. She works at Simon Fraser University as "Siat Web Coordinator"- a project coordinator for the implementation of a new website for the School of Interactive Arts and Technology. A single mom to her four-and-a-half year old daughter and a former stripper, Annie gives a peep into her perspective on men and marriage based on her tough life experiences and an unconventional personality. Annie is not a very tall person but, she is tall in life experience, which is evident in her soulful responses sometimes laced with melancholy. She is bold, even outrageous but she speaks from her heart. Her intensity, sense of responsibility and at times accountability are all inescapable. Annie undoubtedly has a body of a dancer and soul of a person who is as much at ease counting her mistakes as she is commending her triumphs. Annie, recently, held a stripping event called 'Exotic Embrace for Pace' and raised $2000 for the support of prostitutes in the Downtown Eastside. For more information on Annie and her life as a stripper, visit her at www.nakedtruth.ca.
Mahafrine Petigara
How would you describe yourself as a person?
Annie Temple
Writer, mother, dancer or Spiritual, Feminist, Sexual.
Mahafrine Petigara
What is it like being a single mother? Elaborate on your thoughts and experiences.
Annie Temple
Well, I recently moved in with my boyfriend so I'm not a "single mother" anymore per se. But I was for two years and I know enough to answer the question, I think. The hard part about being a single mom was knowing that the full responsibility of making rent, buying groceries, finding sitters, and paying bills was all on me. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the responsibility.
When I was sick, there was no one else to pick up the slack. I had to still make sure my daughter ate and had baths and her routine was not compromised because of my illness. And when she was sick, I was the only one who could stay home with her. So missing school or work or meetings was inevitable and still is. Although I live with my boyfriend, she is still very much my responsibility but he occasionally stays home with her when she's sick so I don't miss important events. And he helps to entertain her when I'm cramming for school, which is something I never had as a single mom. I'm blessed because I've had a lot of help from my parents. They've lent me money when they could afford to and babysat when I needed to do homework but their schedules are limited too because they both work full-time. My daughter goes to her dad's almost every weekend for one night, so a lot of my homework and volunteer work is done during those times.
I wonder how women have done it with more than one child and no one to turn to, no free weekends or evenings to catch up on homework. I truly admire the women who have been able to do it that way. I truly can't imagine how they did it. Being a single mom is harder than being in a two-parent family for another reason. If you do not have a man to spend your evenings with, it can be frustrating when all your friends are going out, and you have to stay home with your child. It's humbling to admit this, but I often felt trapped and lonely. And I longed for companionship with a man who would stay home on evenings like that with me.
But I never regretted leaving my daughter's dad. Our relationship was an unhappy one and there's no doubt in my mind that it made for a tense atmosphere and an unhealthy example of a relationship for my daughter. Now she sees two people who really love each other and our home with my boyfriend is like a family she and I never had. (My dad was gone when I was very young and by the time my mom remarried, I was almost out on my own.)
So I never really had an example of a two-parent family to relate to, or a good, loving relationship for that matter. It's really touch and go now, trying to do what's right but never having had a role model to refer to that way.
Mahafrine Petigara
How did you take up stripping? When did it all start and what was the reason behind it?
Annie Temple
I was working at The Leather Ranch in Vancouver making $200 every two weeks. I could obviously not afford to live on that and I also hated my job - there was a lot of backstabbing and conniving going on between the district manager and the owner behind the backs of employees. I stripped for one night on my day off and made more in one night than I did in two weeks at my regular job. So I quit the next day. It was a beautiful relief.
Mahafrine Petigara
What does marriage mean to you?
Annie Temple
If you asked me this a year or two ago, I would have said marriage means a woman sacrificing and a man taking advantage of her. I would have said marriage means giving up yourself for a man who will try to control you and be eternally selfish about his own needs. I also thought it was something that will never last and no man is capable of being selfless enough to work at it. I was very bitter towards men.
My attitude has softened somewhat since then. My boyfriend now is as selfish as any man, I guess. But, not to the extent that I spend most of my time angry and discontented with him. His parents are still together, which is an anomaly in my mind. And they haven't had it easy by any means. But it still gives me hope that I might be able to achieve a life-long commitment myself. The feeling of claustrophobia I've felt about the idea of marriage still creeps up when I think about it. But my sense of romance is slowly diminishing it. I'm a woman at heart after all. But one thing will likely never change. I am firm in my belief that I must be able to be self-sufficient in the event that I am on my own again in the future. I don't ever want to be that woman who has not worked or contributed financially for years, and then find myself skill-less and destitute when a relationship ends. That is a big reason why I chose public relations for a career. It pays well and offers an endless potential for opportunities in varying specializations.
Variety is the spice of life, they say. Perhaps that is why so many men find it difficult to commit to one woman over a lifetime without getting bored or losing motivation to work at their current relationships. As you can see, I have trouble having faith in men. Experience has taught me that. I am not bitter without reason and my strength comes from this experience and knowledge. The fairy tale is a sham. And if a woman wants to succeed she should turn only to herself for direction and support. Then if a man does live up to the ideals we, as women, sought in our youth, then we can celebrate the novelty of it, but not put ourselves in a vulnerable position at the cost of losing our identities and dignity.
Mahafrine Petigara
If you ever decided to get married, what would be the reasons behind it?
Annie Temple
If I ever decided to get married it would be based on the secure knowledge that the man I am marrying is truly capable of committing himself to me for a lifetime and has values and ethics that allow me to admire and love him.
We don't have to agree on everything, but without a good heart, the good man will quickly turn bad. Even if I married, however, I would not put myself in a position of depending solely on my partner financially or emotionally.
And that isn't just because of my lack of faith in men, but also because I feel it is important for any human being to be self-sufficient if they are to be secure within themselves.
Mahafrine Petigara
How important is it for you to get married?
Annie Temple
It is not that important to me to get married. The fairy tale beckons me to have a man commit himself eternally to loving me. But it would take an incredible leap of good faith for me to feel secure in such a revelation. I don't want my daughter to think that she must marry one day to be happy or fulfilled. One is not lacking if one is not married. Fulfilling relationships are possible without marriage. The patriarchal system of marriage is a tradition and social construction that puts a lot of pressure on women, to my way of thinking. But if two people are getting married because they want to let the world know they are committed to each other forever, then all the power to them. It takes a special relationship to be worthy of marriage. Otherwise, be content with your life and lover and know that things change. And that change may see you separate in the future. If you want to get married, you'd better know that even in the bad times you both have to hold on and wait it out.
Mahafrine Petigara
What do you think went wrong with your relationship with the father of your daughter?
Annie Temple
We both changed. I grew up and he didn't. He became obsessed with computer games. For the first year of my daughter's life he barely lifted a finger to help with her. I was essentially doing it on my own, while at the same time being in a miserable relationship. He was unmotivated, went on EI for a year and stayed home playing computer games. He complained when I spent his income on bills, like I was taking all his money. And if he did anything around the house he expected me to fall all over myself in gratitude. I became disgusted with him as time went on, lost all respect for him. I dreamed of finding a much better man to spend my life with.
There's that fairytale most women are addicted to coming up again.
Mahafrine Petigara
What are your thoughts on having a relationship with a man without marriage?
Annie Temple
I think that is perfectly fine. But I am also loathe to commit myself to someone who may be out of my life eventually. I don't want to waste my time. I do want to have one companion for the rest of my life. I am not interested in being (sexually) with more than one man. I easily have the capacity to commit to one man for a life time. And I don't want my daughter to see one man after another come and go in my life. So essentially I do prescribe to a lifelong commitment, but at the same time, marriage scares the hell out of me. It's an awkward balance, haha.
Mahafrine Petigara
Do you think there is a trend in society today where women are electing not to get married and if yes, what could be the reasons behind it?
Annie Temple
I think women are increasingly becoming disillusioned with men. The women's movement gave women other options to not have children, to not get married, to seek careers and demand equality with men. But it also had a negative affect on women. It encouraged man-hating and denied women's sexuality/sexual attraction to men. It emphasized taking control of your own sexuality and not giving in to the "perverse" sexual nature of men. It promoted withholding sex from husbands and radical feminism sought to remove men from women's lives altogether, suggesting lesbianism instead.
I think that is wrong. Not lesbianism but rejection of men especially for heterosexual women. Women need sex just as much as men do. Instead of withholding sex, they should demand that their sexual needs be held in the same regard as men's, equally important. Men's sexual nature is not "perverse"; it is only different than women's. If we were the same, we wouldn't be as attracted to each other. I think women go a little too far when finding it offensive to be looked at or propositioned by men. Men have become ashamed of their capacity for visual, sexual arousal. They are unsure of how to proceed in relating to women because women are often so judgmental and sexually sensitive to comments. It is true that the media has predominantly catered to the "male gaze" of feminist rhetoric and I am against it as much as the next woman. However, I do not prescribe to banning all porn or making men feel ashamed of their sexual nature. I actually think that to empower women sexually, we should encourage porn in that we need more woman-centered pornography in the form of goods and services. Recognizing our own capacity for sexual fulfillment and giving ourselves permission to be aroused by looking at men would be empowering.
Banning pornography for men would ignore the sexual needs of men and ultimately harm both sexes. These are my opinions.
As far as why women are electing to not get married, I believe it is also because we have been hurt so many times by men who are socialized in almost every culture to be selfish, that we are too distrustful to believe that men are capable of commitment. Men are innately selfish. We raise them to be this way. It is the fault of society, not men. But all we can do is encourage them to find their nurturing side and recognize how beneficial women's innate ability to nurture is for them and for all. Teach boys to respect and appreciate the sacrifices women willingly make for their children and lovers and encourage those boys to sacrifice for the same cause - the betterment of our society and the happiness of the women in their lives who they love.
Mahafrine Petigara
Or, is it that most women are still old-fashioned (no matter their educational or professional achievements) and deep down long for that perfect marriage?
Annie Temple
And to find a man who is capable of meeting that specific need, we are willing to give up almost anything. Sad, but true.
Mahafrine Petigara
At the moment, is there a certain void in your life that marriage can fill? Are you feeling any sense of incompleteness?
Annie Temple
The only thing a marriage could hope to provide is security of companionship for life. But you shouldn't get married until you've achieved that anyway.
So it's more about the symbol of marriage that I crave and if I had that then I'd be willing to marry.
Mahafrine Petigara
What are the moments in your life when you most miss having a strong marriage?
Annie Temple
Well, I was never married so I don't know what it's like to "miss" it. But if I were to say that there are moments when I "would like to be married," those moments would probably be more about fantasizing about the wedding and publicly declaring my love, than about the actually BEING married part. You can have that without a piece of paper.
Mahafrine Petigara
Let's assume you would someday get married, what kind of a wife would you make or like to make?
Annie Temple
Well, I can't cook and I get irritated cleaning house, but I'm clean nonetheless and I love sex. You know that saying, a girl you could take home to your parents but she's a whore in the bedroom - that's me. I'm pretty demanding. I want to be a team, not a couple.
Mahafrine Petigara
If you had to give your little girl some advice on relationships and marriage, what would it be?
Annie Temple
Don't move in with boys until you've known them for a couple years. Don't marry the first boy you fall in love with. And don't expect it to be a fairy tale. You'll have to accept some faults in any man (just as they'll have to accept some faults in you). Nobody is perfect. But focus on the values and soul of the man. If what he stands for is what you believe in, there is a better chance of success.
Mahafrine Petigara
I know it's a little too early to ask you this question, but, if you had to visualize the perfect life for your daughter, would marriage be a part of it and why?
Annie Temple
If we are speaking about marriage as the symbol of commitment and one life-love, then yes. If we are speaking of marriage as it is traditionally the only acceptable way to live, then no.
Mahafrine Petigara
Is there any credence in the long-standing saying, "Marriages are made in heaven?"
Annie Temple
If that is referring to "soul mates" and pre-destined relationships, then I don't believe in it. It takes two people who are willing to work at and cherish a marriage for a marriage to even slightly resemble "heaven."
Mahafrine Petigara
What is your definition of a good marriage?
Annie Temple
Trust, security, fun, loyalty, laughter and commitment.
Mahafrine Petigara
Lastly, do you desire marriage? Do you someday want it for yourself?
Annie Temple
I love my boyfriend so much and my heart says I would love to marry him one day to publicly announce my love for him and show him how committed I feel. However, I am not there yet. I don't trust him enough nor am I sure that I am ready to get married. I might hyperventilate thinking about it. It sounds like a trap to me, haha. So I am on the fence I guess.
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