Deborah Skaey: Common Law

Note: Also read Mahafrine's article, What Marriage Means, which reflects on this interview:

eborah Skaey is the coordinator of the public relations diploma program at Kwantlen University College. She also writes a monthly column 'What if Nobody Comes?' for PR Canada. Deborah has been in a common law relationship for the past two years with the man she met during her summer holidays between high school and university. They lost touch for 25 years and two years ago, on Deborah's birthday, David called. They met and it felt like 25 years hadn't passed. Having found the love of her life, Deborah reflects on her transition from being anti-marriage to wanting a legal marriage someday. Deborah and David strike me as a special couple. They have a unique relationship, one that is not founded on the sanctity of a legal marriage, but one that has endured time and distance. Deborah may well get her legal promise down the road, but she already has the spiritual one.

Mahafrine Petigara
What does marriage mean to you?

Deborah Skaey
Marriage is a statement both spiritually and legally that you are committed to this individual to be with, to cherish and love and to support at all times.

Mahafrine Petigara
Did you always want marriage?

Deborah Skaey
No, when I was 17, I said don't want anything to do with it. It really was between 17 and 40 that I got interested. I have three elder sisters who are 20 years older than me. Their generation said marry before you are 25. When I was growing up, they had shed that notion and were marching down the streets in Toronto and I was at 12 years old marching with them and saying 'freedom for women.' And so I made that wonderful shift and moved into the feminist world and much of that at that point was that marriage was bad, that the most important relationship was the one that was committed and common law only was considered the right way to go at that time. So for people of my generation, common law is actually preferred.

Mahafrine Petigara
Did your mother want marriage for you?

Deborah Skaey
Oh yes! She was very proud that I was working independently. She once sent me a cartoon. It had a woman sitting behind the desk, the papers piled up and the phone ringing. At the bottom it said "when men are a mirage." She sent it to me and said you've got the world by the tail. The indication was that I've accepted that you don't need a man. It would be nice to have one, but you'd probably do fine without him.

Mahafrine Petigara
Why do you want marriage at this point in your life?

Deborah Skaey
When I was president of the Canadian Public Relations Society in 1996, I looked around the board table and there were 99 percent women out of which, 99 percent were over 40 and 90 percent never married. I wondered what we were doing to ourselves and that we were missing out. I had at that moment shifted my attention and shortly thereafter, I met a man and eventually, married him for 19 days. He hit me. I quickly realized it was a mistake. So that idea of being 40 and not married and then married and divorced so quickly sort of put me in a position of not doing that again.

Mahafrine Petigara
Describe your marriage for me. What has it done for you?

Deborah Skaey
Well, I am, as you know common law marriage, which doesn't have the legal capacity. I think there is a real strength of commitment. The advantage now lies in knowing that the spiritual commitment is strong and that we are supporting one another through all aspects of life and have chosen one another. It's reassuring and comforting and supportive and I think it provides me that sense of finally being safe. Why I say the word safety with David is that it is truly the number one feeling I have when I am with him- is that things will be fine as long as we are together and I never felt that really with my husband.

Mahafrine Petigara
Are you the kind of person who is not looking for societal validation?

Deborah Skaey
Not so much societal validation as peer validation is really important to me- my community, my friends, my professional colleagues. I don't know how society would know or care if I am doing something different, it would almost be exciting for me.

Mahafrine Petigara
I know you went to a workshop in Beijing called 'Should women get married? ' What answers did you come back with?

Deborah Skaey
I heard about The United Nations International Conference for Women and this conference being one on women, I wanted to know how women's perspective had changed about the concept of marriage. I was delighted and surprised to find stages of how well women have been viewing themselves independent of men determine their need for marriage. It was an exploratory discussion.

Mahafrine Petigara
Why do you think most western marriages don't work?

Deborah Skaey
I think possibly not enough time prior to marriage. It is important to get to know the individual and to see those areas of compatibility and ability to work things out. I think in some cases the commitment level is not as solid going into the marriage and understanding the difference it makes. When you are young and you haven't had a chance to choose a profession and then choose one that is not in alignment with your relationship it can cut the relationship short.

Mahafrine Petigara
Is there a traditional woman in you that longs for her prince charming and that perfect marriage?

Deborah Skaey
I don't think it's the prince charming so much. I just don't want to be alone anymore. After leaving home at 17 years, I was tired doing everything alone. I have travelled the world alone. I have been to business meetings alone. I have eaten dinner at the finest restaurants alone. I think I'd finally have the pleasure of knowing that you are doing something with someone you love. More than a perfect marriage, the perfect relationship is important to me. And frankly, I had the beautiful party, I had the gorgeous dress, I walked down the isle with my father before he died. The party isn't the part I am thinking of, it's the spiritual piece.

Mahafrine Petigara
Do you want a legal marriage someday?

Deborah Skaey
Yes (emphatically).

Mahafrine Petigara
Why do you want legality when your common law relationship with David is much stronger than most legal marriages?

Deborah Skaey
Because with marriage there is a level of commitment that is stronger. And, I think for me that level of commitment is important. And, there is an opportunity in a common law relationship to make it easy to leave and not work things out. I think there is a part of me that feels a sense of security in a legal relationship even though reality is that 50 percent of them break up.

Mahafrine Petigara
Have you ever thought that maybe David has not completely committed to you since he hasn't legally married you?

Deborah Skaey
Yes, it certainly has been a concern. There is a philosophy around relationships that a relationship is like a circle and when you start a relationship you put all your ten toes in. If you stick one toe out of the circle then you are not committed. To me, the strength is that I know David has all his 10 toes in, but my concern regarding the marriage, whether it's true or not, is that it's very easy to take one toe out.

Mahafrine Petigara
Would you recommend marriage to young women?

Deborah Skaey
I would certainly recommend marriage. I would recommend that you get to know the individual for two years prior to marriage for obvious reasons. I think marriage should be an opportunity for everyone.

Mahafrine Petigara
Looking back, are you glad you made the decision to be David's common law wife? Would you have done it any other way?

Deborah Skaey
I am glad I am with David, whether it's common law or marriage. I am happy to have found my first love.