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Jewellery or even chocolates

Bruce Abel

the message in my junk email reads, "Start the New Year off with a 12" dick!" Like most men, I've fantasized about being larger and thicker. So, I click on the website to find out more.

My lucky day - there's a "blow-out" sale. For just $39.99 USD, I'll get a bigger penis, stronger erections, and increased confidence, self-esteem, sexual desire, sexual control and ejaculation intensity.

This, I thought, would make an ideal birthday gift for Sandie - I'll buy the program, follow the techniques and then let her enjoy the results. Being a wise consumer, I search the web for other penis enlargement sites.

One site tempts me with pills - pop one, and instantly I'm bigger and harder. Another suggests thinking big. For $350 USD, hypnotherapy tapes will unleash my brain's hypothalamus. How about a vacuum pump? I place an airtight cylinder over my penis and for three hours a day a vacuum sucks blood into my tissue. I can also fasten a device to my penis's head, hang weights from it, and wear it each and every day. As a last resort, there's surgery - tissue holding my penis to the pubic bone is cut, and fat, suctioned from my belly, put under the skin.

Luckily, I find sites that offer the natural techniques of taking myself in hand. This sounds good, so I follow one of the suggested exercises.

I take one hand and grip it around my penis's head. With the other hand, I firmly grasp over the first hand to form a tight hold. Then, I pull out directly in front of me for 30 seconds. I do this ten times. Relaxing my grip, I slap my penis against my leg 100 times to get the blood flowing. I repeat the sequence, this time stretching to the right and a 100 slaps, to the left and slaps, up and slaps, and finally, down and slaps. Taking the same hold, I start to rotate my penis in a circle.

At that moment, Sandie enters the room. There's me - swinging my penis around with both hands. "It's your birthday present," I mumble.

"Well, that's a limp excuse - I'd prefer jewellery, or even chocolates!" says Sandie.


Bruce Abel is a Guelph, Ontario writer and e-journal editor.

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